Today has not been the best. It's been down right hard to tell the truth, so hard that I don't even really want to write this blog post and just go to bed, but something deep down inside of me keeps telling me to write this anyways, so here it is, my post on how miserable I've felt today.
The day in itself wasn't that bad. My son took a good nap, I had a visit from a church friend, I was able to take a cute little card and gift to a dear friend on her birthday, and I was able to watch one of my piano students play a song that a month ago she swore to me she would never be able to learn. Not only did she play it, but when she needed help, instead of looking at me for help, she looked at the notes, counted the lines and spaces, and found the note herself. Major success for me. This is a girl who only two months ago didn't even know where middle c was even though she was playing songs with both hands together. So kudos to me, I guess. That did make me feel good inside.
But even amidst all of that, I haven't FELT anything else today. I've felt like a machine. Going through the motions of life, living in complete emotional darkness until whatever it is inside of me that causes this darkness decides to turn the light back on. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate this? Well I do, just for the record.
The worst part is when someone nonchalantly asks the habitual question, "how are you today?" Oh how I could blow them away if I answered honestly. I can just imagine it now.
Person-"How are you today, Lacey?"
Me-"Oh you know, just want to dig a whole in my back yard, crawl in it and never come out again. How about you?" (flash cheesy smile)
If I were to be honest, this is what I would have said today. But I know that most people don't really want to know when they ask, "how are you?" How you really are. They just do it out of habit. I do the same thing. I catch myself all of the time asking, "how are you today?" With no real care of how the person is doing. It's a social habit that's for sure, one I don't like, but still participate in every day. Yuck.
The worst though is when I can tell that someone really does care. When a friend asks, "Hey, how are you really doing today?" I know that if I wanted to I could tell them how awful I was feeling, and they would listen, but where would that get me? I guess I don't really know the answer to the question because even when the inquisitor really wants to know I still respond, "oh I'm hanging in there," or "I'm ok, life's been better but it's been worse." I'm rarely completely honest with anyone. The one person who actually knows how I'm doing every day is my amazing husband, bless his wonderful soul. Even in the depressed state that I am in I know that he loves me more than anything, even though I can't feel it right now due to monster of darkness raging inside of me.
So what is the purpose of this post? Not sure. I just felt like I shouldn't go to bed without letting you all know that today has sucked. I'm sure there are others of you out there who also had crappy days, so here is my sincere hope that we sleep tonight, and that tomorrow is better. And if it's not, that we will be able to fight through another day or darkness.
Stay strong, for we can do hard things,
Lacey Miller
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