Fighting my guilt

I think one of the worst things about my depression is the insane amount of guilt it causes me to feel. Guilt for my actions, guilt for my thoughts, and guilt for my feelings.  It can sometimes be so taxing on me that I begin to cry, and find it difficult to stop. The guilt comes mostly from not being, thinking, or acting like myself. For example, I am married to a wonderful man who loves me fully, depression and all, and he knew when he asked me to marry him that I would have down days, but even though I know he knew that, when some days get really bad I forget what I know, and guilt sets in.  Guilt for not being and acting like the spunky, fun loving girl my husband dated and proposed to. Guilt for sometimes not having the desire to be a mother or a wife. Guilt for wanting to run away when things get hard, and actually contemplating it in my head, looking at airline tickets and all. I hate it, hate the part of me that shuts down so when some days get hard, I become another person.  Even though the reality is that I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful son, and a good life, when my depression monster comes out all of that knowledge goes out the door, and is replaced by lies. Lies that I'm not good enough,that I can't do it anymore, that it would be easier to just end everything instead of going on with all of this guilt, and the worst part is that sometimes it gets bad enough that I begin to believe them.  It's hard, trying, and sometimes almost impossible to endure, but when things get so rough that I don't think I can go on, I am blessed by my wonderful upbringing and by the faith my parents taught me and instilled within me.  There is a scripture in 1 Corinthians chapter 10 verse 13 that always keeps me fighting. It reads,

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that which ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

When I read this verse I often replace the word temptation with trial, (such as my depression). thankful to my wonderful parents and to my loving Heavenly Father, no matter how bad things get for me, I can not deny that I know God lives,  that I am his daughter, and that he loves me.  I also know the scriptures to be true, and that God cannot lie, and therefore know that what the above scripture says is true.  When things get rough and I don't think I can go on anymore, and I pray for the weakness to be removed, and it isn't, then it must be for a reason, and I must continue to fight.  Which I will do.   I will always fight, even I feel no desire to, because my knowledge and trust in God the eternal father and his son Jesus Christ can not and will not be shaken.  They love me, and will never leave me.

Be strong, for we can so hard things,

Lacey miller


My two main reasons to keep fighting